Haven't We Been Here Before?

Haven't we been here before? It's the second day of spring and yesterday I started a new workout regime. I've been here before. Once or twice...a week. Sometimes I'll do really well and make it a week or a month or even two months of my new crazy exercise program is going to "fix" my fat girl problem. About 6 years ago I was really successful and dropped about 90 pounds one summer. OK, maybe that wasn't very well but more a mental break of epic proportion that I could only deal with by exercising for 2 hours a day. Over the last 6 years though I have slowly put all 90 of those pounds back on and they brought a few (but not many) friends. This time isn't like before though. It's not a coping mechanism or a whim. This is my life. This is what needs to be done. I preach personal responsibility constantly and yet can't be responsible for myself putting the donuts down.  So here we are, day two of my program. You may ask, what brought this on? Why now?

2 weeks ago on my way home from work, a wino on the bus told me that I needed to lose weight. I mean sure he was totally sloshed and a homeless wino but still, it cut deep. I started looking through pictures of myself from what I call, "my fitness craze." I was barely recognizable. I was so beautiful. I have always found myself, to an extent, beautiful. I'm just conceited that way. I think I have great eyes and awesome lips and a nice curve of the hip but during those days I was something else all together. I don't think I realized it at the time because like many fat girls gone skinny, I just didn't see myself as thin. In my own mind, nothing had really changed except I was suddenly able to buy clothes at regular stores instead of plus sized ones.  So suddenly there I was, deemed too fat by the winos and double my old size, unrecognizable underneath my ever growing layer of fat. How can you want to live this way, I asked myself. The answer is I don't want to and I do what I want so I need to make a change.

So I'm making a change. I'm writing this blog so that I'm disciplined to make a change and prove I can hold myself accountable.  Here's hoping this is the one that sticks.