This Is Why I'm Fat

I have started my exercise regime lightly, not wanting to take on too much and get discouraged. During my "fitness craze" 6 years ago, I biked 25 miles per day, every single day, on a stationary bike. Yesterday, I biked 7.5 miles (30 minutes) and I thought I was going to keel over. I spent a good part of my back 15 minutes thinking that exercise sucks and I hate it. It is not fun. It is not comfortable. My feet were cramping up because I wasn't wearing a proper pair of tennis shoes so my feet were curving around the bike pedal instead of resting on them. Exercise sucks and that is why I'm fat. Well, that and a love of donuts and french fries.

I am trying to recreate my success from the fitness craze but less obsessive and in a more healthy way. I had dedication back then. I had been handed a huge disappointment that just broke something inside of me and the only way I could deal was by sitting there biking...for hours...every single day. So I biked and watched trash TV (Flavor of Love, I miss you) and read about a thousands books while biking. Now here I am trying to recreate my success with no Flavor of Love, more boring reading material (hello grad school), and less patience. 

I already feel like I am failing at my plan because I got a latte from Starbucks this morning. It was of course  the smallest size and made with soy milk and sugar free but it was still a latte, which is a symbol of the larger problem. It's about overindulgence. If I couldn't make it a week without a latte how am I going to get through this?  So I swore to myself this would be my last latte until I lose 10 pounds. After 10 pounds I can have one latte. I need to learn to love black coffee again (I lived on the stuff in college). I need to learn to step away from the donuts and to stop relying on fast food to feed myself. Just because I live alone doesn't mean I should indulge in trash food every day. 

Lifestyle changes are hard but they shouldn't be impossible, right? I need to have faith in myself. I can do this. I will do this. I must do this. I don't want my cat to outlive me. Dying and being eaten by your cat is just way too crazy cat lady for my liking and I feel like that is the road I'm on.